Being preoccupied with my Bipolar Disorder everywhere I go has been a burden on my mind since I got the diagnosis. You might say that I need to let loose and forget that I have a disorder, but the problem is that the illness doesn’t forget. Every time I start afresh, I worry about the end, which is not that far, because it starts with a pause that I take and then turns into longer one till it becomes a full stop. Thoughts like how am I going to find the idea or if the idea that I find will be good enough in reality and not just in my head, is one of the biggest challenges. And even after that, sticking to an idea and not just wavering off is a task of great might. These were the thoughts that were haunting me even when I started this small new project of writing a blog.
When I was starting, I was worried about continuity, I was worried about how I would get the thoughts of my disorder out of my head and pen down the words that I wish to write. Writing a blog on great events and achievements of the world meant some serious work. It had to be researched, organised and put down in words that would convey the idea to a reader. Every step of the road was difficult and focussing takes a toll on even an average person if it has to be done for long, let alone a mind with bipolar. But I knew that I had to give it shot and dive in headfirst.
The problem with research was that I had no one to discuss the thoughts with, I had to depend on my vision of what seemed good enough to be a part of the write-up and what was not necessary to be written. With bipolar you can’t bank on your own mind, sometimes things seem very important and sometimes even the same things might seem like a waste of time. Understanding the difference in what needs to be penned and what needs to be avoided is my first battle. While tackling this, I have to sit down with internet, and get deep into the topic at hand, which I am sure is a good topic on its own but the specific aspect that I wish to target, well I keep my fingers crossed.
During the research, I land-up on many articles and videos, I let them take charge, and let the knowledge flow into me, once I have a decent understanding of the topic that I wish to write, I start taking notes, which then gets converted into a full-fledged article.
Once I am done with the article, I have to fight my restlessness about it being good or not. Yes everyone has these emotions, it is just that an average joe would probably have a better grip on these emotions because the self-doubt is not as high as mine. This leads me to check my blog stats every fifteen minutes, which has forced me to delete the stats app from my phone, well I am trying to get a hold of my crazy attributes.
The biggest fear is of a mood-swing (well an extreme version of it) where I would completely chuck the idea of writing out of the window and would tell myself to focus on the simple life of my work and chilling because after all that’s all that is that truly makes or breaks my life, not this silly little writing gig. Yes, there is an old Indian uncle sitting in my head telling me that passion is for fools, and some fools get lucky while others remain foolish.
But somehow, I managed to get through 24 articles on this blog, which was pleasantly appreciated by people I know and some that I don’t know. It’s a small step but I did manage to get over 3000 views on my blog in its first month and I was happy with it. I felt great that people were reading and that my blog even got used as a source for someone else’s work. I was proud. But then the fear came true.
In the last one month, I have been writing an article almost every day, but since the last 5 days, I couldn’t push myself to type, couldn’t push myself to read, the entire concept of turning my thoughts into words seemed like a behemoth of a task. I have again pushed myself into my bed, as good as locked myself in my room and all this seems like a task which brings more pain than joy. It is going to take some time or not, I might feel great by the end of next hour, or it might go on for a few weeks, I don’t know. All I know is that I want to explore my creative side and this is one place that I can without taking on too much. I thought this might be a good time to pen down my current state, where research is not possible, and emotions are kind of numb but also heightened, I want to do something but honestly have no energy to do so. Let us see if tomorrow is a better day.
If you want to know more about bipolar disorder then here is my article on it, but in case if you are wondering about your own mental health in general or of someone around you then visit this article to learn about some common signs and symptoms
As always, Thanks for Reading.